My New Gym! November 6, 2009

I finally found a gym to call my home or so to speak. It was the 2nd one I checked out, and so far, I’m pretty happy. I’m really digging on their zumba classes. One of the instructors really annoys though me because she doesn’t explain anything. But the other two are great, and as Meatloaf so eloquently put it in one of his ballads, “Two out of three ain’t bad.”

I love the Thursday night zumba class because the instructor makes us do all these booty shaking moves. ahahha. I like to shake it, I guess. The Saturday morning instructor rules because she taught us the dance to Proud Mary. Who doesn’t want to do a little Tina Turner dance on a Saturday morning???

One guy kind of made me uncomfortable the other day. I was on the machine that works your calves, and I noticed him watching me. I HATE to be stared at. HATE it. So, I just turned up my Ipod as if turning up my music would make him not stare at me.
But, he said, “Don’t make those calves bigger than mine, now. That’d make me feel bad.”

So, I snarkily replied, “Well, if I had actually shaved my legs, I’d show them to you.” I was trying to gross him out, but after the words escaped my lips, I realized he could have interpreted my answer as flirting.  Needless to say, I don’t like it when guys talk to me at the gym.

It’s not that I think that every guy up in that place wants me. It’s more like I want to be invisible there. I’m awkward, what else can I say. Being checked out scares the shit out of me. I think it’s because I spent the first 23 years of my life being the chubby girl guys never paid any attention to as they instead fawned over my girlfriends.

So, when I shed weight in my mid 20’s, guys started doing double takes for the first time in my life, and it made me so uncomfortable, and it still kind of does.

I’ve learned through my obsession with self-help books that it’s normal for women who have lost a lot of weight to freak out about finally being seen as a sex object. In fact, many start eating compulsively again because they unconsciously do not want men to notice them.

Part of the problem is I still see myself as that “chubby girl,” which is why I developed bulimia in the first place, then exercise bulimia, and finally disorded eating. And, thanks to this blog entry, I just figured out the next thing I need to explore in my November Nutratherapy session. Yay for blogging!!!!!!!

Gym Quest October 28, 2009

So, I quit my beloved Healtworks at the end of September. It was a  bittersweet breakup though. I was sad because I love love love their spinning instructors. My 3 faves made spinning fun and I actually looked forward to class. Plus, Healthworks is immaculate, and even the showers are pristine.

But, I won’t miss the steep 91 bucks they gladly took from my checking account each month. No, I won’t miss that at all. Nor will I miss the hour to sometimes hour and a half it took me to get home at night. Any Boston T rider knows if you don’t catch the T just right, you can wait forevah sometimes.

So, I decided to stop being a total nerdbomber and join a coed gym. This is major step for me as working out around guys tends to cause me anxiety. I figured I could work on my health, self-esteem, and self-growth all at the same time. Yahoo!

A gym in my town gives residents an entire free month to check out their establishment. Sweet! I thought I could spend the extra 91 bucks I’d save for the month of October on something cool, like groceries or my eHarmony subscription. ahaha.

So, I scoped the place out online and thought it looked really nice based on their pictures. The only things that bothered me were: 1. They charged 5 bucks for zumba classes. (each session). 2. Their classes started at 6, which would be hard to get to from work in time. But, only two drawbacks? Not bad.

Yeah right! That place sucked! I felt like I was walking into a medieval dungeon. The place was so freaking dark and dank. Have you people not heard of windows?

And, if the front entrance was a dungeon, take a guess what the spinning room looked like. It was this tiny room with exposed brick that looked like the builder people were like, eh we’re over this and totally didn’t finish the room! It reminded me of that place where the bad guys took Mel Gibson and Danny Glover to torture them in one of the Lethal Weapon movies. (The one where they abduct Danny Glover’s daughter, too)

I’ve seen prison cells nicer than this poor excuse for a spinning room. And, I would know because my dad used to take my bro and I to the station and lock us in the cells for fun. (He’s a retired cop, and we actually got a kick out of this. It was not child abuse. ahahha)

Their zumba class sucked to the max, too! Not to mention the fact that I had to pay 5 bucks for it. For one thing, the instructor turned off the lights, so I could barely see her. She also didn’t explain any of the moves. She pretty much just jumped around and screamed for an hour. And the music was so loud, my ears rang for the entire day after the class.

But, the deal breaker was how much I hated the one spin class I took there. I cannot stress HATED enough here. This crazy drill sergeant would not get off my ass. She kept shouting in my direction because I wouldn’t follow the others and hunch over the handlebars.

Sorry, lady, but Eden and Dee taught me to relax my shoulders and have a soft grip on the bars. You need to go back to spinning instructor school cuz you were wrong, Hestah!

Did I mention that she didn’t turn on the fans??? No, so sure didn’t. It was hotter than the 8th reign of hell in that unventilated cave. I could have suffered from heat stroke.

Now, I will admit that her music choice was groovy. She opted for hair metal and some old school Green Day. (Not that political crap they’ve been doing lately. I’m talking Dookie here.) She even rocked the Meatloaf. Oh yes, say whatever you want about the Loaf, but dude could rock! And, of course, she threw in a couple Guns and Roses tunes. Amen to some G N R.

But, playing awesome tunes is not enough to win me over. Screw the free month. My ass was outta there. Hollah!

The Fro Yo Boy Toy October 21, 2009

It’s no secret that I love me some ice cream. It’s probably my favorite food next to nachos. Many nights I’ll forgo a “real” dinner and just eat ice cream instead.

While I’m no longer counting calories and trying to eat what I want when I want, I realized that too much ice cream can’t be helping my situation. So, I started eating Edy’s Slow Churned Frozen Yogurt instead of real ice cream. And, I can’t get enough of the stuff.

I’ve been on a lot of dates recently due to my desire to “get back out there,” which is sometimes truly a unheartfelt attpemt, but that’s a whole different bag of issues.

But, during each date, I’ve found myself thinking, “Man, I wish I was curled up on my couch with a bowl of black cherry/vanilla swirl fro yo. How twisted is that? Here I am on a date, and all I want to do is be on my couch in sweats and eating some fro yo.

The cold, creamy texture and the lovely blast of cherry in each bite (or swallow I should say because you don’t really chew fro yo) is so soothing and delicous. And, after I’m done, I always get this chill that runs through my bones, so I snuggle up with my purple leopard print blaknet that my friend Jennifer gave me and watch bad TV. It’s a win win! Or, is it?

Are these dates really that bad that I’d rather be flying solo on my couch with BC Fro Yo? Or, is there a deeper issue at work here? Well, I’m gonna take “deeper issue” for 500, Alex because this isn’t just happening on dates. I’ll turn down other social invitations as well because I’d rather snuggle on my couch and at some point partake in some BC while watching some ABC Family movie or Disney Channel show. I’ve recently gotten into the Wizards of Waverly Place. Yeah, I’m a nerdbomber. But, I love magical stuff, and the show is harmless, cute fun.

What’s happening to me? I used to be a social butterfly. I remember the days when I’d be out until 2 in the morning on a Friday or Saturday night. When I lived in Charlotte, I was out all the time. In fact, if my friends couldn’t come out dancing with me, I felt depressed and loserish.

Has my BC Fro Yo become a replacement for a real relationship? Has fro yo become my boyfriend?

I went to see a spiritual adviser in Salem last week, and without even asking me if my social life was self-induced nonexistent, she said, “You’re not going out enough. You’re going home and being alone too much. You have to start doing stuff in your free time.

I honestly didn’t tell her what an Emily Dickinson hermit crab I’ve been lately. I’m guessing that means I’m going to have to break up with BC. But, he’s so cherrylicious!

Eating Out and Why I hate Salads October 21, 2009

Since this is my first post in a while, it’s actually a little outdated. This happened during the first week of September. I wish I could say that I haven’t written in so long because I’ve been busy and popular. Well, it’s true that I have been busy, but I’ve also been working on my novel. So, yay me! Anyway, here it goes:

I’ll never comprehend as to why we are our own worst enemies. I know very few people who are totally comfortable and not insecure about their bodies. Men and women. For those of you out there who have total body confidence, that’s truly amazing! Go you! And, please pass any secrets you have about how you might have obtained this wonderful body image my way. Would ya?

So, I spent the first week of Sept in Cali for work. Most people would have jumped for freaking joy about this. For me, however, the trip was met with apprehension and deep-rooted fear all due to the fact that we would be eating out for every meal.

I think I’m getting much better with my eating only when I’m hungry. (Well, at least I was when I originally hand wrote this entry. I have since been kind of having issues again. Boo!) Yes, I still have my times when I eat out of emotional hunger  (It’s called PMS) or mindlessly, but I’m much more aware of when I’m doing this now. And, that is truly an accomplishment despite any slip-ups I may have.

The large problem for me lies in stopping when I’ve had enough. I still haven’t gotten that “I’m full” signal down yet. So, eating out three times a day meant big portions of delicious and rich food. And, I was scared.

Now, I know you’re thinking, “Dude, just get a salad and call it a day.”

(I’m gonna go on rant now. I apologize to all you salad lovers out there, but I have to speak my peace.) Salads can kiss my ass. Here’s why. Um…how can I put this nicely…they suck! They’re not filing, and they’re boring. Eating a salad to me is the equivalent to watching paint dry. And, are they really healthy? Um, not so much. I see people order salads all the time loaded with some nasty dressing that’s probably just as fat-loaded as my burger. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a tad here, but seriously? How is getting a salad so drenched in ranch and gobs of cheese that it looks like a firefighter sprayed it with foam healthy? Take off your rose-colored glasses people, because it’s really not all that great.

Yes, I know that people can make “smart” choices when ordering a salad and get one that’s healthy. Yes, I know I’m probably offending a lot of people out there. Yes, sometimes even I order a salad if I’m craving tomatoes or cucumbers.Yes, I liked that sun-drenched tomato salad from Bruggers, but that’s because it had bagel pieces in it. Yum!  Do I really hate them all that much? Well, they do annoy me, but I’m also majorly PMSing, so my salad-hatred induced rant can be possibly chalked up to that. But,my point is they’re not all that stellar and ordering one instead of a sandwich or carb-infused pasta dish isn’t going to solve my problem. And, since people often tell me to get one, I just felt the need to bitch about it.

Guest Post September 15, 2009

My friend responded to my wholeness question on his blog. Check it:

The Wholeness Question

Spinsterella, at Don’t Catch It Up, asked an interesting question in her latest post. That question, specifically, is: what is wholeness or what does it mean to be whole?

A more intrinsic part of this question is how do we be whole and broken at the same time. It may seem a paradox, but over time I have found that it is certainly not. A few things that have helped me arrive at the answer below have been reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (I have read this particular gem three times and have a fourth reading planned), Stranger in a Strange Land, and practicing yoga with my friends and a number of good talk that have followed our weekend sessions.

The most simple answer is this… At this moment we are just as we should be. This may be the most important part of wholeness. We may be able , may even need, to improve but at this moment where are where we should be. It is that acceptance of the self that creates wholeness in my mind. Every fault, break, and problem is accepted because they are a part of every way in which we are a positive and growing being.

A great deal of literature deals with healing. I think healing from the breaks in our life is important, but I also feel we have focused to much on healing. I like to think of psychological healing in much the same way as a broken arm. Once a bone breaks, there is very little you can do about it. In most cases you should probably see a doctor to get some professional help. Even after that though, in everyday life there is not a whole lot you can do. You can avoid anything that will hurt the arm more, keep it safe, and follow doctor’s orders. However, staring at the cast will not speed up the knitting of bone. Personal problems don’t get better under intense scrutiny either. Big problems may need some guidance from a psychologist or therapist but beyond that the best way to heal is to go on living and let the healing take place in its own time and way. Once again I believe this related back into the idea of wholeness above.

At least one commenter on the post from Spinsterella spoke of “surrendering to a higher power.” I prefer to avoid higher powers myself, but there is a great deal of power in this. Some give themselves to God, I give myself to Yoga… Trust me, the parallel will be clear soon.

A big part of yoga is to stop focusing on the conscious self. Becoming one with your breath is not an attempt to get deeper inside ourselves but to free ourselves from thought and become one with something external. It is a gradual elimination of the ego. It is also an elimination of thought. If you picture the brain as a muscle this makes more sense. If you constantly use a muscle it becomes tired, sore, and not very good at doing what it needs to. If we let go of the ego, let go of the constant thoughts about who we are, how we are right now, how we could be better, and all the questions about why we may not be better we take a great deal of tension of that muscle. Then when we need to really apply our ability to reason we have a fresh muscle that produces clear thoughts.

This is the same process in accepting a higher power. We give up our ego to something above us. We accept how we are and that we are as we should be in the eyes of a creator.

All that said, how whole am I? Good question. Some days I am much more at one with myself and accepting of what my wholeness embodies. Other days I could be said to be a fair wreck. I feel that I am getting closer to personal wholeness because even on bad days I am more able to say “and this is where I am today,” without being nearly as critical as I formerly was.

So, focus less on being broken, focus less on being whole, focus less on healing. You are where you are today, you are where you are in this moment. Let the wholeness of that acceptance fill you, and let yourself be empty for it.

Like what you read? Visit his blog at: http://www.darkside-dreamland.com

Wholeness Responses September 15, 2009

Thanks everyone for your wonderful feedback. You’ve given me a lot to ponder. I appreciate you sharing your ideas and thoughts with me.

Wholeness September 14, 2009

I need people’s feedback on this one because I’m clueless. In one of Geneen Roth’s books (I can’t remember which one because I’ve seriously read 5 of her books in the past month) she talks about wholeness. Oh, wait, it’s in When Food is Love. That’s it. Anywhoozlebe, she states: “The purpose of healing isn’t to be forever happy; that’s simply impossible. The purpose of healing it so be alive. And to live while you’re alive instead of dying while you’re alive. Healing is about being broken and whole at the same time.”

Maybe that’s my problem. I’m broken, and I’m trying desperately not to be. But, by trying so hard not to be broken anymore, I fear I may be setting myself back because according to Geneen, the process of healing is about being broken and whole at the same time. Well, at least I got the broken part down because some days, I’m a hot mess as my good friend David would say. So, at least I have that going for me.

But what about being whole? I don’t even know what it means to be whole. I mean, I have my moments where I’m happy and in a wonderful mood, but these instances are rare I’m afraid, and they usually only occur when something goes my way.

Sometimes a song will make me feel amazing. For instance, whenever I hear Tunnels by Arcade Fire these feelings of inspirational joy shoot through my entire body, and for the 4 minutes and 48 seconds of that song, I’m at total peace. Funny how a simple song can do this to me. But, is this wholeness? I’m not so sure.

I feel great whenever I’m working on my novel or screenplay and the words are flowing well. Is this wholeness?

What is feeling whole? Is it feeling satisfied? Is it having a moment of connecting with another human being? Is it going to a psychic and hearing all good news?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. What does wholeness mean to you?

The Language of Fat August 30, 2009

The Language of Fat

Self-help genius and advice columnist, Jessica Weiner has deemed the word, “fat” as the other F-word. And, she couldn’t be more right with this newfound terminology.

In her book, Life Doesn’t Begin 5 Pounds from Now, Weiner explains that when a woman uses the word, “fat” to describe herself, there is really a deeper issue at hand because fat isn’t a feeling or an emotion. You can feel sad. You can feel shame. You can feel happy. You can even feel tired. But you can’t feel fat.

We often make negative remarks about our bodies when we are uncomfortable, scared, feeing rejected, well you get the idea. According to Weiner, “the language of fat is the overall title for a general sense of uneasiness and dissatisfaction in our lives. We are not fulfilled in our jobs, relationships, friendships, or self-esteem, so we focus on the external-because that seems more within our realm of control and influence.” Often enough, people are too afraid to face and deal with their inner turmoil, so they create outside issues as a means to focus their attention elsewhere.

So, the next time your about to say, “I feel so fat today!” to someone, stop and check in with yourself. Ask yourself: What’s going on right now that’s making me diss my body? What am I feeling? Am I uncomfortable about something? Why am I feeling this way? Basically, you must get to the root of your problem instead of bashing your body because speaking the language of fat may take your mind off of your inner issues for a hot minute, but it creates more problems in the long run.

Ultimately, speaking the language of fat is a vicious cycle that’s damaging to one’s self-esteem. Constantly self-commenting negatively on the size and shape of your body wreaks havoc on your body image because after a while, you start to believe these put-downs. So, while you may be avoiding the fact that you’re unhappy with your life for the moment, you’re only creating more inner turmoil that will make you feel more and more depressed about yourself.

The only way to break this cycle of self-abuse is to stop speaking the language of fat. Your body needs all the self-love it can get, and that can’t happen if you’re constantly calling yourself fat, chubby, large, overweight or any other form of the word “fat.”

Betrayal August 16, 2009

I’ve betrayed myself in many ways over the past couple of weeks. As I’ve already mentioned, I recently joined eHarmony. Well, I met two different guys through this site (well, not met actually, but you know what I mean.) Anyway, I was corresponding with these two gentleman on a daily basis. We’re talking 2-3 emails a day, txt messages, gchat, the whole shebang.

I was so stoked! I had two potential suitors. I felt like the eHarmony pimpette. Eventually, both of these guys became my facebook friends. And, that’s when I started to freak out.

I was terrified that they would find this blog because FB is where I do most of my shameless self-promotion. I was so scared that they would click on my link, read my entries, and stop liking me because of my issues with food and body image and all that stuff that makes me me. So, I didn’t write anything for over a week.

Anyway, within 3 days of becoming FB friends with me, both of these dudes pulled disappearing acts, and I have sense deleted their sorry asses from my FB friend list. Whether they peaced out because they found my blog or just met other ladies they felt more connected to than myself, I’ll never know.

But, as you can imagine, I spent a large part of last week trying to figure out what the hell happened. Did they think I was fat based on my pics? Did they read my blog and think “I dont’ want to deal with this shit?” Or, were they just bothy flaky douche bags who disappear on girls all of the time? Regardless of their reasons, I was bummed and felt pretty bad about myself. But, I was mostly mad at myself for not being myself. If that makes any sense at all.

I hate that I felt I couldn’t write on here during the time I was corresponding with those losers. I silenced myself, and I’m not proud of it. I let myself down and withdrew the support I preach about offering oneself.

I also hate that when they both disappeared on me, I was so hurt. I didn’t even really know these jokers, yet I let them in and felt incredibly let down by their actions. And, worst of all, I even assumed it was because I was chubby. Have I learned nothing through this journey? Self-acceptance is still not a part of my daily life, and I want it to be so badly. I need it to be.

I wonder what it would feel like to wake up every morning and not feel any self-hatred when looking in the mirror. But, how does one get there? I’m reading self-help book after self-help book, going to therapy, and practicing little motivational exercises, yet I’m getting nowhere. Even today as I did pilates, I cringed as I looked at my stomach. I hate feeling like this.

Yes, I know that I stopped counting calories and stopped weighing myself. Those in themselves are large accomplishments and steps forward in my recovery journey. But, how do I rewire my brain?

Hunger August 6, 2009

I was given the assignment of assessing my hunger. I’ve realized that I have several kinds, and they’re kind of disturbing.

Sometimes I feel so hungry my nose burns. I develop this ache deep in my chest behind my lungs.

Sometimes it makes me shaky and so dizzy, I feel I just might evaporate out of my own body and float away. This hunger makes me so weak, I have to use every fiber of my being to  stop myself from being detached from my body and floating away.

Sometimes I become Oscar the Grouch and snap at everyone until I am fed.

Sometimes I’m so hungry my throat screams for something cold and creamy like ice cream. I’m starting to realize that sometimes I may be confusing my hunger with thirst.

Sometimes it’s as simple as my stomach growling at me saying, “feed me, Seymour.”

Sometimes my hunger makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. I’m usually stressed when I experience this type of hunger. It’s like eating is the only thing that will pacify my longing to escape from my body.

It’s funny because Geneen Roth (my new guru) says that when people compulsively eat or eat when they are really not hungry, it’s like an out of body experience. Food numbs them so they can break free from themselves. But, I eat when I’m not hungry to keep myself in my body. It makes me feel alive in a way. My Nutratherapist said this is often true of people who cut themselves and bulimics.

I’ve learned that there are two types of hunger: physical and emotional/psychological. Many people who overeat, don’t eat enough, or are recovering from eating disorders can’t decipher the two. Their bodies are so screwed up that they don’t know when they’re really hungry anymore. My high school years of overeating; my early 20’s diet and exercise obsessions; my bulimia; and my calorie counting have all taken a toll on my hunger detection skills as well. Half the time, I’m not sure which one I’m feeling. Plus, I’m an emotional person by nature, which makes it a lot harder.

While I feel like I’ve gotten a bit better to listening to my body since I started trying to listen, I know I still have a long way to go and a lot of healing to do.Oh the joys of self-exploration.